


As long as he smiles (Levi's reaction)

by Pissypixy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Drug Abuse, Guilt, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 04:29:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16527374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pissypixy/pseuds/Pissypixy
Summary: Levi finds out what happened to Erwin and doesn't take the news very well





	As long as he smiles (Levi's reaction)

It's not my fault that things got boring. After the accident, Erwin was never ever able to sweep me off of my feet like he used to. He couldn't fuck my like how I needed it. I never stopped loving him. I dont think I could ever do that. I just wasn't.. happy with him anymore. I didn't feel like that immediately. I stayed by his side and was willing to help him to recovery. But he became so dependent on me for the simplest of things, even after he was healed. I became unhappy and Eren was there. At first I was against it. I was a married man, I couldn't go and sleep with someone else while my husband was still healing. Time went by though, time that I thought I might get my old Erwin back. But nothing changed. 

Eren wasn't persistent, he just made sure that I knew the offer was always on the table. The first time anything ever happened between us was an accident. Or maybe that's just what I tell myself to feel better about it. Despite Eren's suggestions of having sex, I still invited him over while Erwin was at work. We would watch dateline and make bets on who we thought the killer was or play drinking games, cards. Just things to keep me busy while Erwin was gone. 

This time was just like any other time we hung out. We were watching fifty shades of grey because we both thought it was pretty funny. I was supposed to take a shot everytime Anastasia bit her lip and Eren was to drink any time Christian was an asshole. Both of us were to drink anytime something cliche happened, the contract was brought up, and everytime one of them was on a bed or asleep. It was a fun way get drunk, but it also made me miss my old sex life with Erwin. He used to be like my Christian Grey, except less fucked up. He knew just how to dominate me in a way that always left me feeling perfectly sated.

"Fuck it, let's do it." Was all I remembered saying before Eren was on me. It was a fuzzy memory that almost felt like a dream, but pleasure like that doesn't come in dreams. I was too drunk to care if what I was doing was wrong or not. The only thing I could focus on was Eren and the way that he made my body feel a fire that I hadn't felt in too long. That should have been it- a one time mistake. But like I said, I'm selfish. I couldn't help but continue this secret affair with Eren. Every touch was something I needed so badly and wasn't getting it from Erwin. I love riding him, but there's only so much of doing that that I can do before it becomes boring. After Eren, I started having sex with Erwin less. Eren had me satisfied. I have to admit, after a certain point we got sloppy. Eren started sucking at my neck and I didn't stop him. 

I know that Erwin noticed. The hurt in his eyes when he first saw the little pink mark poking out of my collar was enough to make me stop for a little bit. But I needed Eren. I needed to be fucked and hugged- lifted when I was too tired to move. Eren did all of this and more. As careful as I tried to be, Eren made more marks and Erwin brought it up. Of course I denied it. I couldn't admit to something like that. Even if it was obvious. It wasn't long after the confrontation that Erwin asked me for a divorce, saying he didn't love me anymore. I can see in his eyes that he's lying. He was always such a horrible liar. His eyes always showed his true emotions. He was just trying to make it easier on me. But it only made me realize how unhappy I was making him. 

I left while Erwin was at work. I couldn't do it while he was here. Sometimes no goodbye was better than saying it. I was never good at that anyway. I packed my things, leaving whatever Erwin bought me, including my engagement ring. It was hard to leave. I had spent the last six and a half years living here, but it had to be done. Erwin and I were only fueling eachothers unhappiness. 

I have to admit, I was a little surprised when I hadn't heard from Erwin. He always was a prideful man though. It stung a little that he didnt try to fight for me more, but Eren was there to take away that sting. He let me move in with him. I had to get a job because he wasn't rich like Erwin, but that didnt matter. It was nice making dinner for him when he got off of work or having dinner made for me when I got off. Days we both worked and were to lazy to make food were spent watching Netflix and cuddling under a blanket while eating something from Panda Express since it was pretty cheap. 

When I heard from Mike, Erwin's lawyer and closest friend, I figured that it was time to discuss a court date for our divorce. Eren was nice enough to take me to his office and wait for me while we talked. I was surprised when I stepped into Mike's office to find the tall, dirty blond man looking like he slept here after a late night at the bar. As well as no Erwin. "Erwin running late or something? I dont have all day, I have to be at work in an hour." I stated as I sat down in one of the seats in front of Mike's desk. The man looked like he would strangle me if he could. It was expected, Mike was Erwin's best friend. I dont doubt that he hates me knowing everything that happened.

"Erwin isnt coming." He said in low, almost sad sounding mumble. Not only did it have me confused, but I was pissed as well.

"Well then why the fuck did you call me out here. You said that there was things to discuss with Erwin." I scoffed as I started to stand to leave.

"No, I said we had things to discuss about you and Erwin. Now sit down!" His voice boomed much louder than before. With wide eyes I sat back down. It wasnt very often that Mike talked in any other tone but his usual bored sounding one, so whatever it was must be important. "Now.. after Erwin's accident, as you know, he put you in his will." Mike started as he began pulling it out. 

"If Erwin is taking me off, shouldn't he be here?" That was the only reason I could think that Mike would be bringing this up. Erwin was perfectly healthy when I left him. I furrowed my eyebrows at the look Mike gave me. It was a mixture of what I could only make out as sadness, pity and anger all in one.

"Levi, Erwin was found dead in his car that was in his garage three days ago. He had died from carbon monoxide a week before having been found." Mike explained softly. I.. I didnt know how to react. All I could do was stare with what I'm sure was a face of shock and denial. It just couldn't be true. Erwin wasnt like that.. he wouldn't. "But he did." Mike said as if he knew what I was thinking. 

"But.. but why..?" I whisper, finally finding my voice.

"Because of you." Mike answered immediately. Any sympathy or pity that he had for me was gone as he gave me that crushing blow.

"Me?? Why the hell would you say that." I scoff. That couldn't be right. I left him because we were both making each other miserable. How could it be me??

"Because you're the only one in the letter he left Levi! He said so himself. You left him and he couldn't take the loneliness!" Mike yelled angrily. "You and the prick that you left him for." He added in a scoff. I didnt know what to. This- this was so much information being dumped on my at once in the worst way possible. If what he was saying was true.. and Erwin really did kill himself a week ago.. it made sense. That was what would have been our seven year anniversary. I didnt realize that I was crying until Mike pushed over a box of tissues. "I'm sorry.. I shouldn't have told you that part." He muttered as sobs started to wreck my body. This couldn't be. Erwin was so strong. He just couldn't have killed himself over me. 

It took me a while to calm down, only doing so because I ran out of tears from crying so much. Mike had his assistant bring me some water before he got to buisness. "Now, as I was saying, I'm sure you can remember that after Erwin's accident, he added you to his will. Even though you two are technically still married you will recieve no life insurance since his death was a suicide. But you do still receive three fourths of his money and basically everything in his house, including the house, except two of his cars. The cars and other one fourth of his money go to Hanji and myself." He stated, but every word sounded like I was underwater as he said it. I didnt need to hear him though. I knew what was on the will and what was left to me. 

"Why didnt he take me off?" I murmur numbly after Mike seemed done talking. I left him four months ago, but he still kept me in his will.

"I dont know Levi. There's a lot of things that Erwin did that I still don't understand." With business done, Mike kicked me out of his office, giving me Erwin's last letter. Eren was asking me too many questions about what had happened and why my eyes were red and puffy. All I could do was break down and let him read the letter for himself. I never knew some of the things that I did. Never realized that I gave him pitying looks or seemed sick of taking care of him. I should never have left him. If I didn't he'd still be alive. I should have tried more before giving him up. Couples counseling.. talking to him more. Things that I hadn't thought of until it was too late now. Erwin was gone. I didnt care that he wasnt in my life anymore, but now knowing that he was dead.. I wanted him back. I missed him so much that I thought I might die. Being with Eren was no longer the amazing experience that I thought it was. He didnt compare to Erwin. He was more self centered. He was too much like me. Once everything was put in my name, I broke it off with Eren and moved back into our- my old house. It was no longer ours. Everything in there was Erwin. I could lay down in bed and still smell him. A scent that I didnt know I missed until now. 

The house brought back unwelcomed memories. So many happy memories of us. Us snuggling on the couch. Erwin wrapping his arms around me as I cooked, him twirling me and holding me to his chest as we danced to Something Stupid by Michael Bublé, the song that was too close to the reality of how our relationship that you would think he based it off of us. Those blue eyes always showed so much emotion. So much unearned love that I took for granted. Being in any room of the house was enough to cause me to break down. I didnt truly realize what I had until it was gone forever.

After Erwin's funeral, I went to his grave every day. To tell him I missed him, talk to him about my day. Some days it really felt like he was next to me as I spoke, instead of the tombstone that held his name. Every day I was haunted by the guilt of knowing that it was me who did this to him. Every day I reread his letter, thinking of all the things that I could have done differently to have made him happy. I was so selfish then, but not anymore. 

It was time that I gave back what I took. A meeting with my lawyer and I had a will put together, leaving everything that Erwin had left me to who it should have gone to. Mike and Hanji. Once everything was finalized, I got my refill of Prozac and Erwin's favorite whiskey and headed to be with Erwin once again. I talked to him about everything, apologizing for not visiting in a few days. I had been busy getting everything together. But I was here now. With the thirteenth turning into the fourteenth, I poured some of the whiskey I had been drinking while talking to Erwin into the grass, wishing him a happy birthday. My next couple swigs of whiskey helped to wash down my meds, stuffing the bright orange bottle in my pocket when it was empty. Finally we'd be together again and I could be held in those strong arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Dont know why I love doing this to myself, but I fucking do. Hope you enjoyed this cuz I bawled my eyes out while making it.


End file.
